Bottled Water – No Laughing Matter?

As a humor writer, I realize there are things you shouldn’t joke about. Here’s what I didn’t know: some people think bottled water is one of them. When my article on the subject was published in the Seattle P-I, not everyone found it amusing. Since my email address was included at the end of the article, these people took the opportunity to set me straight.

The article was supposed to be funny! I thought, skimming the emails. Are they serious?

Yep, they were. Here are actual comments from readers, who apparently have bottled up feelings on the topic of bottled water:

“In writing this piece, you did not research the facts carefully.”

(Actually, in writing this piece, I did not research the facts AT ALL.)

“You don’t get it – Evian spelled backward is NAÏVE. That’s what you are to pay MORE for water than you do for gas!”

(Even worse: I pay forty bucks for three ounces of anti-wrinkle cream. And unlike bottled water, which takes away my thirst, I still have wrinkles.)

“In my opinion, you exaggerated the supposedly poor quality of tap water.”

(Dang! You caught me.)

“By drinking bottled water you’re destroying the environment! You need to educate yourself by reading a book called “Water Wars: Privatization, Pollution and Profit.”

(I think I’ll just wait ‘til the movie comes out.)

“75% of tap water tastes as good as bottled water.”

(I guess I’ve only tasted the other 25%.)

“If your daughter isn’t drinking tap water, she isn’t getting fluoride. She’ll end up with a mouthful of cavities.”

(Better than a brain with no sense of humor.)

“Your child may be drinking bottled water, but if she’s showering with tap water, she’s receiving transdermal contaminants, like fluoride! Fluoride increases lead absorption. Children exposed to lead grow up to be criminals and/or drug users!”

(At least they’re criminals and/or drug users with very few cavities.)

“Most bottled water is a rip-off; it’s nothing more than bottled tap water.”

(What??)

“Bottled water is not regulated for impurities. Tap water is.”

(Wait a minute! If bottled water is nothing more than bottled tap water, it was already regulated before it even hit the bottle!)

“By drinking bottled water, you’re polluting our environment. As for recycling, most people are only able to recycle the plastic bottles when they’re at home.”

(Which is where I spend a lot of my time.)

“You’re wasting resources by using bottles only once. Some people conserve by re-filling them with filtered water.”

(Good idea!)

“Re-filling bottles isn’t the answer, because the plastic breaks down and toxic carcinogens are released.”

(Oops…bad idea. So what should I do?)

“My recommendation is to buy a water purification system for your home. Coincidentally, I sell such a system and would be happy to set up an appointment.”

(What a shock.)

I have to admit, the emails made me think. Don’t get me wrong – I’ll still drink bottled water. But the next time I have an article published in the paper, I’ll think twice before including my email.