When I was growing up, braces weren’t all that common. Now it seems every kid needs braces, so I guess teeth are getting more crooked. Or maybe it’s the orthodontists.
Forgive me if I’m a little touchy. At age fourteen, our daughter, Kelly, is finishing up her second round of braces. That’s right; braces, like movies, now have sequels. In recent years there have been huge advances in the field of orthodontics. The main discovery: when it comes to a child’s teeth, parents will fall for anything.
For our family, it started when Kelly was only eight years old. I watched the dentist study her X-rays. He scrunched his forehead and muttered some big words I didn’t understand. Then he looked at me.
“I think Kelly should see an orthodontist.”
“But she still has a lot of baby teeth,” I said. “Wouldn’t it be best for her to have braces when she’s older?”
“Don’t worry,” he chuckled. “She will.”
So I went to the orthodontist, who told me that like a cloud, Kelly’s mouth would soon have a silver lining. Then he went on, explaining that modern braces are done in “Multiple Phases.” Kelly would need braces not once, but twice.
“It’s better to start early,” the orthodontist said, “so we can maximize the long term results” (was he talking about her teeth or his investment portfolio)? “Besides, a healthy smile during these formative years is important to self-esteem.”
Or something like that. I was distracted, thinking about how much this was going to cost. To the orthodontist, Kelly’s silver lining would surely be worth its weight in gold. When he presented the “Long-Term Proposal for Treatment, Phase I and II,” my eyes zipped right down to the number on the bottom line.
It had a comma.
“Wh-why are her teeth out of alignment already?” I asked.
“It appears Kelly lost her right primary canine prematurely.” (she had dog teeth?) “Without that tooth, the lower incisors need to be guided into place. I’m not sure why the tooth came out early…”
Unfortunately, I had an idea.
I thought back to when Kelly’s first tooth had come out. She was in the first grade. Before bed that night, she put her tooth on her dresser, and went to sleep dreaming of the tooth fairy. Sure enough, the next morning Kelly raced out of her bedroom holding her fist triumphantly in the air, shouting, “I got a whole dollar!”
Later that day, we were at Toys “R” Us, shopping for a birthday present for a friend. Suddenly she darted across the aisle. “Mom!” she called out. “Check out this Super-Soaker Water Blaster! And it comes with all these accessories...” She held it up, wide-eyed. “It’s sooooo cool! Can I have it? PLEASE?!”
“You have a perfectly good squirt gun,” I said. “And I’m not paying twenty bucks for that contraption. If you want it, you’ll have to pay for it yourself.”
When we got home, she ran into her room and grabbed her piggy bank, flipping it upside down. Coins cascaded onto her bed, followed by a few dollar bills; feverishly, she sorted them into piles. “How much do I have?”
I counted, “Nineteen dollars and fourteen cents. You’re about a dollar short, not including sales tax.” Her face fell.
Her eyes narrowed as she thought about it. Suddenly, her hand flew to her mouth. “My teeth!” Her fingers grabbed one tooth after another. “I bet I can get one of these out!” From then on her mission was to pry the teeth from her skull, whether or not they were ready. She’d had an epiphany: her teeth were the ticket when she wanted a cool new toy.
All this went through my mind as I sat in the orthodontist’s office, contemplating the huge bite orthodontics would take out of the family budget in the years to come. Glancing outside, something caught my eye. Parked in a prime spot near the building was a shiny new Porsche. I looked at the license plate: STR8NR. Apparently Kelly wasn’t the only one who’d had an epiphany.
Since then, six years have passed. We’ve gone through Phase I, Phase II and most of our savings. Now, at age fourteen, Kelly is about to have the orthodontist remove her braces for the second, and final, time.
Unless he wants a cool new toy.
